Hearts of Stone

Interlude 3: Who's Where?
Late June 216

Hayes and Ssh'ta, who didn't go to the mines, are in Marblehall, where we last saw them, organising the relief effort. The Dread Gazebo is asleep at Marblehall, or rather near the gaping hole in the ground where Marblehall used to stand.

Pascal, X7-09, and the dwarven golem were just outside the Mines of Madness, two days south of Anvil. While the golems were powered down, bandits stole them, and they woke up in a cart headed north. They commandeered this and pimped it up, with the idea of using it as a mobile base for the party. They now appear to be tooling around in a giant wooden chamaeleon on wheels, pulled by robot goats; such are the powers of Icons when properly invoked.

The Fox and Ladra were in Glitterhaegen, the Fox in his old room at the Stormwatcher family estate, and Ladra wherever she hangs out between adventures. However, lured by stories of treasure, Ladra went north to Anvil, where she was caught trying to steal a kitsune statue from dwarven goldsmiths. Naturally, the Fox went to her rescue.

Soreth is just outside Drakkenhall, in her comfortable cave, snoozing on a pile of gold which is nowhere near big enough for her taste.

Silmaria was in her favourite pub when she discovered how to operate the Horn of Blasting (for that is what she found). Dining at her favourite pub is now al fresco and she has had to seek alternative accomodations.

Valore and Dave are in the Cathedral at Santa Clara, encouraging the Priestess to start a crusade against the Lich King. Valore proposes to start by mounting trebuchets on the chamaeleon cart, but even in a universe where they are so distorted, the laws of physics are expected to refuse to go along with this plan.

Kowalski was found in the Dwarf King's bedchamber in Forge, where he is now wanted for High Treason, Smidgeony and Persiflage.

Boris was last seen in the Elf Queen's boudoir, where he is not wanted at all.

Episode 29: The Forever Stone. Or Not.
8th June 216, near Anvil Road; Boris, Dave, the Fox, Kowalski, Pascal, Silmaria, Soreth, X7-09.

Most of the party are now in the Mines of Madness, one way or another, and have set up an impromptu camp on the first level near the lift shafts. Boris, Dave, the Fox, Pascal, Silmaria, and X7-09 are exploring the second level after Hug-Hug sacrificed himself (twice) in a not-entirely-voluntary manner to let pass beyond the altar room, and after finishing their repast, Soreth and Kowalski troop down the stairs to join them. Hayes and Ssh'ta are nowhere to be seen.

Moving on from the altar room leads them into a cavern, where they find a metal golem in the shape of a dwarf, nine feet tall and almost as wide, pulverising red crystals and filling barrels with the resulting dust. Eventually they attract its attention, and at length Silmaria remembers they took the deed to the mine from the leader of the skeletal miners. She shows this to the golem and it accepts her as the new owner of the mine and itself. Silmaria directs Dave to decorate it and teach it how to dance, with the aim of using it as a backing dancer for her band.

Boris assumes the form of a cockroach, and slips past the boulder blocking the other exit from the cavern. Silmaria orders her new follower to push the boulder aside, which it does, and everyone troops into the cavern beyond, which proves to be knee-deep in guano and full of bat swarms and giant cave crickets. Pascal is an insectivore, but crickets the size of sheep are too much for him, so he directs X7-09 to cut one down with an axe so that he can feed. The others cluster beneath a leathery pod on the ceiling, which turns out to be a giant bat, so Soreth tries to incinerate it with her fiery breath. It dodges, and flaps around the ceiling in terror for the rest of the scene.

Growing bored with this, the party passes through an exit ringed by stalactites and stalagmites, looking disturbingly like a giant stony mouth, and descends a series of ledges into a further cavern. The Fox makes his usual dramatic exit, and is assaulted by a giant worm fifty feet long for his pains. It miraculously fails to crush him, instead flipping him fifteen feet into the air and back onto one of the ledges.

The Fox is really not having a good day.

Boris (who has resumed his human form) casts fear, and zombie ghost snakes fill the cavern. The giant worm is no match for this, and submerges to flee in fear.

Exploring further, the party comes upon a door and opens it. Beyond is a square chamber, occupied by a liche on a throne. Before it can speak, X7-09 holds up the deed to the mine and says: "We are the new owners, and we've come to talk to you about the rent."

The skeletal figure gestures, and a door opens opposite him, revealing a pile of treasure. Soreth immediately starts sneaking towards it, closely followed by Silmaria, who says to her new friend: "Golem, please assist Soreth in the treasure recovery, follow her lead." The golem starts creeping towards the treasure. Soreth grabs an armful of loot and holds it close. Valore glides over and picks up a silver cat statue.

"Wait!" calls the Fox. "What about the Forever Stone?"

"That is no longer an option," the lich intones. "You have chosen the treasure."

Icons are invoked. Soreth and her armful of "shinies" disappear, as does almost everyone else. Silmaria lunges forwards and manages to grab an armful of loot before she shimmers out of existence. X7-09, Boris and the golem are left staring at each other and the lich. None of the treasure remains.

"I refused the treasure," says Boris. But before anything else can be discussed, Boris blinks out of existence.


Soreth shimmers into existence in a familiar location; her home cave, just outside Drakkenhall. Humming cheerfully to herself, she dumps her armful of shiny coins onto a larger pile, then snuggles into it for a nap with a satisfied "Aaaah!" She seems to have developed small, but functional-looking, wings.

Silmaria appears in a cosy pub with several chests of loot, including a ruby-studded horn, a number of potions, lots of coins and eight silver cat statues. "Better start counting," she mutters to herself. "Soreth really should be here," she muses, and starts counting out a share for Soreth.

Valore and Dave blink into existence in the Cathedral in Santa Cora, near the Priestess herself. "Ah, the very person!" declaims Valore, waving a silver cat statue for emphasis. "Look here, Priestess, having seen the state of the world and the numerous followers of the Lich King, I implore you to start a great crusade against the unholy! Now is the time, before they consume us all!"

The Fox is now in his old room in Stormwatcher Mansion, just outside Glitterhaegen.

Kowalski Klas'tak is in the Dwarf King's bedchamber in Forge. "This is going to take some explaining," he says, under his breath.

Boris has appeared in the Elf Queen's boudoir. "Aaawkwaard," he says to himself.

Meanwhile, back in the mine, X7-09 becomes aware that Pascal is in his chest cavity. "Come, golem-type construct," he says. "Follow me, I will lead you to your mistress." The three of them tramp off in search of the exit. Inside the construct's chest cavity, Pascal the sentient chamaeleon admires his new armour.

Behind them, the door swings closed with a muffled thump.

Episode 28: The Fallen
Anvil Road, 8th June 216. Boris, The Fox, Hug-Hug, Pascal, Silmaria, X7-09.

Almost all our heroes are somewhere in the mines now, and gather by the campfire between the lift shafts and the spiral staircase. While the others lick their wounds and toast – well, best not to think about it, really – over the fire, Boris, the Fox, Silmaria, Pascal and X7-09 descend by the northern lift shaft (now repaired by X7-09) to the lower level.

Some short-range exploration allows them to tie up their rough maps of the upper and lower levels, and to deduce correctly that the only thing they haven't investigated on the upper level is the mysterious moaning noise behind one of the walls. Leaving that for another day, they follow one of only two unexplored corridors they know of, which twists and turns and at length leads them to a circular chamber with a high ceiling, which X7-09 notes is covered with holes. On the middle of the floor lies a body in chainmail, stretching its hand out towards a large gem. The Fox attempts to shield-surf down a short flight of stairs into the chamber, fails miserably, and walks the rest of the way to the gem, intending to liberate it. Two things happen immediately; large spikes slide out of the holes, and gravity in the chamber reverses, hurling the helpless Fox onto the spikes. Through swift reactions, adroit use of the shield, and (to be honest) miraculous luck, the Fox survives the spikes; then gravity returns to normal and he falls 20 feet to the floor, suffering severe contusions.

The rest of the party had cautiously retreated outside the chamber during this performance, and so survived. Pascal scampers into the chamber, again reaching for the gem; this triggers the trap again, and while Pascal's extraordinary wall-crawling abilities protect him, the Fox is again slammed into the ceiling spikes, and then back onto the floor again. He begins to look somewhat the worse for wear and there is some doubt whether he can leave the chamber under his own power, so Boris casts entangle in his unique manner – extending his luxuriant armpit hairs to a length of some 15 feet and projecting them for the Fox to grab onto. Given where this impromptu rope has been, the Fox is reluctant to grab it – until it triggers the trap again, when clutching on to it allows him to avoid the spikes, but not the bonecrushing slam into the floor afterwards. X7-09 and Boris reel him in like a fish and he is partially healed. Pascal gathers up the loot and after a short argument, the Fox gets the chainmail for his pains – and puts it on before anything else can stab him.

Pascal determines to his disappointment that the gem is an illusion, and more productively, that if he walks round the edge of the chamber he can cross the chamber without setting off the trap. The party cross to the other side and open the opposite door, at which point they are blasted by a lightning bolt of uncommon puissance. Fortunately, X7-09 is in the van, and as he becomes more experienced and better-equipped, he is getting increasingly difficult to hurt. Smoking slightly, he leads them through, and they discover the bottom end of the staircase where the others are camped. Not wanting to risk the chamber again, they troop upstairs, across to the lift, and back down again, before taking the only route they haven't explored yet, another passage.

At length, this passageway ends at a door, with an apparent gargoyle statue in an alcove nearby. Remembering that "the gargoyle knows the command word", they ask for this and receive it. It's at this point they begin to wonder what the command word does, but Silmaria is inspired by the word and begins scribbling notes about an awesome song using the word as its title.

X7-09 marches up to the door and tries to open it, receiving a very large spring-propelled spear in the guts for his pains. However, his shield slows it down enough that it does no actual harm, and he twists it sideways intending to smash its wielder into the wall beyond. He discovers that the door is false and the spear part of a trap, but while he is finding this out, Boris runs a long nail down the gargoyle's cheek and says "My, aren't you a handsome fellow," while at the same time the Fox barrel rolls away from the skewered X7-09, expecting further attacks – straight into the gargoyle.

The gargoyle interprets this combination as an attack – wouldn't you? – and leaps from its alcove to rend the party into toothsome chunks. Boris immediately invokes his magical bodyguard (a medusa).

"Stanley, my love," says the medusa. "It's been so long!"

"Gorgon – kill!" instructs Boris.

"Anyone in particular, or just all of them?" asks the medusa.

"Not me!" shouts the Fox.

"Just the statue today, my dear," explains Boris.

"How dare you cheat on me!" roars the medusa. "You thought I'd forgotten after all this time!"

While Silmaria taunts the gargoyle from the rear, the others lay into it with a will. Everyone hits it and hurts it, except X7-09 who is preoccupied with the door; but perhaps predictably, it dies when Boris kicks it somewhere tender with a viciousness not normally seen in elven wizards.

After some discussion, the party declaims the command word, thus opening a secret door. Following the corridor beyond leads them to an altar room, with an unbound corpse nailed to the altar by a dagger. The errant Hug-Hug is hiding behind the altar.

"Fanatics!" hisses X7-09, deducing in a flash that a sacrifice of some sort is needed to proceed. While the rest of the party gazes on, mouths open in shock, Pascal casts stun on Hug-Hug, X7-09 grabs him and slams him on the altar, and Pascal rams the dagger into his chest, killing him instantly. A section of wall slides back, revealing a passage deeper into the mines.

"Poor Hug-Hug," says Boris, intoning a request to his patron Icon under his breath.

"Yes, Master?" moans Hug-Hug, as he struggles to rise from the altar.

"You have done well, my friend," says Boris. "The King has given you a second chance."

The Fox cries out: "THE NECROMANCER!" and leaps forward, longsword swinging for the goblin's exposed neck. Hug-Hug's head flies from his shoulders to roll across the floor, while Boris gleefully skips off to join the rest of the party, as they venture into the newly-revealed passageway…

To be continued…

Episode 27: It's a Trap!
Anvil Road, 8th June 216. The Fox, Hug-Hug, Pascal, Soreth, X7-09.

Party members shimmer in and out of existence on the far side of the dwarf-faced door, and when this has finished we find the party consists of The Fox, Hug-Hug, Pascal, Soreth and X7-09. Shrugging, they move on and find themselves on a stairway, which they ascend, noting with interest the hammer in a glass-fronted niche with a notice in dwarven: "In case of berserk golem, break glass." Pursuing the stairs leads them to a door, beyond which lies a corridor.

Pascal sends X7-09 forward to investigate the mouldering bodies at the corridor's midpoint, finding a dead elf with a bow and arrows, and a dead dwarf in scale mail with a battleaxe. Pascal joins his robot servant, as does the Fox, and on reading the elf's diary they discern hints of a trap. When they try to leave, they discover the corridor magically extends, so that whatever they try they never get any closer to the doors at either end. Soreth and Hug-Hug have stayed on the stairs, with Soreth musing out loud about eating the goblin, and on learning of the trap, Soreth asks how much it's worth to help the others escape. The Fox offers 40 gold pieces, and despite X7-09 refusing to admit to having any treasure, Soreth agrees and claws the door at her end to pieces.

Hug-Hug senses this is a good time to leave and sneaks away. At length, Soreth notices he is gone, and shouts into the darkness that she will track him down and kill him if he doesn't come back. Given that this is what he expects to happen if he does come back, he keeps on sneaking.

Destroying the door doesn't help, but X7-09 hits on the idea of walking backwards to the other door, and thus escapes. The secret of the trap now revealed, everyone tramps out through the second door, to find themselves in the large square chamber where they previously fought skeletons. A spirited debate ensues as to whether Soreth is owed any money, as X7-09 figured out the trap, but in the end the Fox pays her 28 gold, having noticed during negotiations that counting is not her strong suit.

They leave by the one door in this room that they haven't tried, and after avoiding falling into two mineshafts bridged by decrepit planks, they replace the planks and march on, shortly reaching a corridor spiralling upwards with evidence that something large and heavy has rolled down it. Regardless, they press on, and in due course trigger the obligatory rolling boulder trap. A round boulder in a square passage must necessarily leave gaps at the corners, and Pascal and the Fox have the agility and the presence of mind to use these to get behind it. Soreth shows a commendable turn of speed and outruns the boulder, as it is still picking up speed – at least until it slams into X7-09 and tries to smear him along the floor. Now, X7-09 is too big to squeeze into the corners, but also too tough for the boulder to do him any real damage. Guessing from the screeching noise what has happened, Pascal invokes his patron icon, and succeeds in getting the boulder turned into strawberry jelly.

Shortly, the party reforms at the boulder's launching point. X7-09 is entirely covered in strawberry jelly, which Pascal is licking off him slowly. Soreth has trudged through about 30 feet of knee-deep jelly and is partially covered.

Realising where they must be, X7-09 breaks through a wall (this turns out to be some sort of amoebic ooze disguised as a wall, which he kills with a single punch) and recovers Hug-Hug's mine cart, which they load up with their gear and loot to save carrying it. The Fox climbs in to save walking, explaining that as a nobleman he clearly cannot push it, as requested.

Their route takes them past two aged mineshafts with potentially workable lifts, and thence to a spiral staircase with a statue of a jolly dwarf at the top, which they get to reveal three pieces of information: A gargoyle has the command word, watch out for the green dragon, and don't go near the golem unless you have the hammer or the pickaxe.

The party decides to rest up for a while, and retreats to camp near the mineshafts. X7-09 begins repairing one of the lifts, intent on descending once he is convinced it is safe.

Hearts of Stone 26: Zombie Spiders
6th June 216, Marblehall. Soreth, X7-09, Kowalski.

Inside the living dungeon now known to be the Stone Thief, a much reduced party is searching for answers, loot, and missing nobles. Soreth loses her footing at the top of the shaft they have just climbed up, but fortunately the traps are still jammed, and she slides back into the pool of sewage, terrifying the filth hydra even more than before.

Kowalski disappears with a clap of thunder, but moments later blinks back into existence near the ceiling, and falls upside down onto the corridor floor. The party will later work out this is due to him having been summoned to defend the graves of his clan ancestors near the Anvil Road, meanwhile they take it in their stride.

Pascal, X7-09 and Kowalski look at the approaching undead spiders, then at each other.

"We can take them," says X7-09. The others agree, and they form up against the opposite wall, X7-09 to the fore as he is the best fighter. The spiders swarm him, but are unable to cause any serious damage. Pascal tries repeatedly to disable them with his stun power, but to no avail.

Everyone is so focussed on the spiders that they barely notice one of the statues of dwarven gods hop down from its pedestal, walk up behind Kowalski, and smack him into the ground. Hard. It giggles maniacally as it does so.

A seriously wounded Kowalski and a frantically parrying X7-09 hold off the spiders until they notice Pascal, and several peel off to bites his head off. For a moment it looks like they have succeeded, but X7-09 calls on his icon patron and an unexpected near miss flips Pascal onto the statue's shoulder, where it fails to squash him. He scuttles around and hides behind another statue, making good use of his colour-changing ability.

The zombie spiders continue to harass X7-09, and do him some serious injury thanks to a couple of lucky blows. With five spiders and a giant stone golem surrounding them, Team Robot reassesses its opinion that it can take them, breaks free, and runs off down the corridor the way they came from, only to be halted by 50 feet of missing floor which recently fell into the sewage pool. Fortunately, both the zombie spiders and the stone golem retreat to their lairs for unknown reasons.

Soreth, drenched in sewage and fuming to an unhealthy degree, has meanwhile managed to haul herself up the chute and stands on an outcrop of rock across from the corridor.

Pascal, left alone in the statue's chamber, takes careful note of the riddle inscribed on the central pillar, the nature and position of the other statues, and the strange item concealed in their golem assailant's plinth, before sneaking out along the ceiling to rejoin his companions.

Kowalski heals himself fully, and X7-09 partially repairs himself. They agree that discretion is the better part of not being smashed into a paste by living statues or squashed like bugs when the Stone Thief inevitably submerges again, and in the absence of any better ideas, run back to the shaft mouth, descend the shaft at speed before the spiders can get them, swim across the sewage pool, and crawl back up the chute using the trail blazed by Soreth.

They exit the Stone Thief without further incident, and find themselves back in the ruins of Marblehall.

Episode 25: Cleanse the Undead!
Anvil Road, 8th June 216

Boris, Dave, the Fox, Hug-Hug, Kowalski, Ladra, Silmaria, Valore.

We left Team Angel exploring an abandoned dwarven mine, in which they had just encountered a group of skeletal miners. Valore, who has strong and intolerant views on the subject of undead, immediately charged them, yelling "Cleanse the undead!"

The leader of the skeletons invokes an Icon, asking for intercession by the descendants of his clan, which results in Kowalski blinking into existence above the melee, and falling head-first onto the ground nearby. Valore takes advantage of this distraction to cleave the skeleton leader in twain. The Fox makes a dramatic entrance, enhanced by his Sword of Stunning, and the majority of the skeletons pause, taken aback; the Fox disposes of the one closest to him while they are recovering, while Dave shoots at one with her bow, shaking it.

The remaining skeletons surround Valore and the Fox, and belabour them with miners' picks; one gets lucky and incapacitates Valore, who falls with a through-and-through pickaxe wound to the abdomen. The Fox manages to stave off his attackers by parrying furiously. The skeletons ignore the dwarf dropped into their midst – there are several possible explanations for this, but Kowalski will later point out that these are his clan ancestors and suggest their blood ties explain it.

Meanwhile, Hug-Hug (the lone survivor of the goblin expedition to recover a magical artefact from the mine) sidles off into the darkness. Before charging, the Fox tossed his torch to Ladra, who with the dexterity one might expect, catches it. Silmaria (who is afraid of the dark) steps closer to her. Boris (who by default closes range with any females of marriageable age) steps closer to both of them. Ladra sees no reason to engage in melee, as anything that can get past Valore, Kowalski and the Fox is not going to be inconvenienced by her.

Kowalski yells at the combatants to put down their weapons. The skeletons obey, the Fox also obliges, and Valore is drifting in and out of consciousness and bleeding out. Kowalski next asks the skeletons to line up against the far wall, and they obligingly troop past in column to do so. A bolt of light explodes from Valore's gaping abdominal wound, incinerating several, although most manage to jump out of the way, alerted by some sixth sense.

"Sorry," says Valore, although her tone of voice suggests she isn't, really. "That always happens when I get incapacitated." Since the party hasn't seen her be incapacitated before, they have no basis on which to dispute this assertion.

Boris now explains that he can heal Valore by the laying on of hands, but first it will be necessary to remove her clothing.

"I'd rather die," mutters Valore. Fortunately, Kowalski also has healing powers, and restores her to no more than light injuries, after which mundane first aid suffices to return her to the fray.

It is the work of moments to relieve the skeleton leader of the diamond tip on his pickaxe and a parchment clutched in his left hand. Assessing the situation, the party notes a pit full of quicklime and lizard bones to the north, and three doors to the south, one of which is blocked by an iron spike. The Fox and Ladra use pickaxes to lever out the spike, while Kowalski interrogates the surviving skeletons. These tell him that the west door leads to other mineshafts, the middle door leads to a corridor which was never finished, and they don't know what's behind the east door as they were told never to go in there.

The Fox first sticks his head into the alcove behind the middle door, then throws a rock into it. He is rewarded with a small thunderclap and the disappearance of the rock. After some discussion, Kowalski orders a skeleton to go through the suspected teleporter and return. It goes through all right, but doesn't come back. Kowalski sends another one through with the same result. Dave runs up behind the Fox and pretends to push him through. Encouraged by this, he steps through, and finds himself in total blackness, either elsewhere in the same mine or in another one, with two skeletons just standing there – this is because they have no idea where they are, and thus don't know which way to go to get back to Kowalski.

Ladra calls that she is going to find the Fox, and vanishes with a torch and several exceedingly valuable cockatrice eggs; she will later claim these dropped and smashed on the way out, and her new jewelry is a gift from an admirer. An Icon is implored to help her escape alive, and in a few days it will turn out that she did. Everyone else sighs and follows the Fox through the teleporter.

On the far side, they find themselves near an intersection centred on a lift, whose ropes they could use to ascend. Before they can decide what to do next, a pair of creatures the likes of which they have never seen leap at them and have to be stabbed. They go down easily enough, but their bodily fluids begin to dissolve the blades used to stab them, leading to a short argument over whose clothing should be used to clean them. That settled, the group proceeds, taking a side passage to the east which leads them down a spiralling and descending corridor, and at length to a rough plank spanning a shaft roughly 80' deep. A voice calls for help, and Silmaria and Kowalski engage it in conversation, but it seems unable to keep its story straight, and when Boris extends his armpit hairs to sufficient length for it to grab hold and be hauled up, it ignores this offer. Mind you, nobody else would willingly hold Boris' armpit hairs, so this proves nothing. The party decide this is some sort of trap trying to entice them into the shaft, and walk on.

Shortly, they come to a door in the form of a dwarven face, with innocent inscriptions and a hole through it where the mouth should be. Naturally this arouses deep suspicions, and they stand off at a (hopefully) safe distance while Boris uses his luxurious armpit hair to open it. Apart from discovering it is spring-loaded and closes automatically, they are unharmed, and hurry through before it slams shut.

To be continued…

Episode 24: Angry Medusa Chickens
Anvil Road, 8th June 216

Trusting their colleagues in Team Dragon to take care of the giant living dungeon, Team Angel (Boris, Silmaria, Ssh'ta, The Fox and Valore plus henchmen) take stock of their other options: Follow up on the cloud giant observing them earlier, pursue the bounty offered them by Gutstabber (which will mean a trip to Glitterhaegen), go back to the dwarven tower on Anvil Road and find out what's underneath, or follow up on the flying building they noticed several months ago.

By a majority of three in favour of the dwarven tower to two not-that-bothered, they head north, arriving at the actual tower a couple of days later. They first scout the tower's environs, then the tower itself, finding only unburied orc bodies somewhat the worse for nibbling by the local wildlife since the party killed them just over two weeks ago. Valore rightly deduces that nobody has been to check up on them or bury them, and the group removes the lift shaft lid. Ssh'ta is designated lookout and climbs to the roof with Caliban in case the party are disturbed by rude strangers while exploring.

Valore drops a torch down the shaft; it can be seen burning on the floor of a corridor some 30 feet below. Valore and Dave descend and find themselves in a corridor leading to a four-way intersection. Someone has made a half-hearted attempt to bury four goblin spearmen in the loose rock of the corridor sides between some pit props; they appear to have been bludgeoned to death. Valore draws her sword (which then appears to burst into flames, thus providing a light source) and with the others following at a safe distance, she and Dave head up to the intersection and explore a short way down each arm. To the east they find a small chamber containing cots, chicken coops, and a hole in the wall labelled 'Slide' in dwarven, as well as a curving corridor sloping down. To the south is another curving corridor sloping down. To the west is a third curving, sloping corridor and a chamber, containing three statues of goblin spearmen and four large chickens pecking at something concealed under an overturned mine cart.

The chickens, soon to be dubbed 'angry medusa chickens' by Valore, prove to be cockatrices and assault the recon element. Valore finds herself being petrified, but thinking quickly, sheathes her sword, plunging the place into darkness, and flies up to the ceiling. Silmaria, who has galloping scotophobia, freaks out, but now only Boris and Dave can see, and Dave quickly skewers two of the cockatrices with arrows. Boris steps into the chamber and engages a third while Dave shoots the last of the four, which is running off into the darkness in some confusion. Once stabbed, cockatrice number three turns on Boris and starts pecking and petrifying him; he flees back towards Silmaria and the others while Dave and The Fox attack the surviving cockatrice, sending it to oblivion; but Dave is incapacitated by its dying death gaze.

The party rallies and heals its wounds; fortunately, Dave's apparently fatal petrifaction responds well to Boris' ministrations. Lifting the overturned mine cart, they discover a single goblin spearman who thanks them for saving his life and gives Valore 'treasure' as a reward, namely a single copper piece. Under gentle questioning he reveals that he and his companions were sent by the Goblin Chief to retrieve the Forever Stone, a valuable item buried here after dwarves and evil wizards fought over it. Silmaria, meanwhile, has found a mineshaft in the corner of the Cockatrice Room and explains that in line with dwarven practice, it has been named after an ancient dwarven king.

Adding Hug-Hug (for such is the goblin's name) to the party, they explore several looping, sloping corridors with the result that they wind up more or less back where they were. Shrugging, they return to the room of chicken coops. Boris assumes the shape of a bat and flies down the slide, finding at the bottom a large pit full of powdered lime and lizard bones, with glimpses of a large chamber above. Boris decides he wants nothing to with this and returns.

Trying another sloping, curvy corridor, the group descends into another chamber with two exits and a perch containing what turn out to be cockatrice eggs. Ladra, who is the group's best climber, retrieves them, but refuses to smash them as the others suggest, pointing out that they are worth money to a certain sort of person. They use one of the exits and descend again, finding themselves in the large chamber Boris found earlier. Now that they have a better view of it, the party can clearly see a dozen or so dwarven skeletons hard at work, apparently mining.

While the rest pause to assess the new situation, Valore (who has firm views on this topic) screams "CLEANSE THE UNDEAD!" and launches herself at them.

To be continued…

Episode 23: Filth Hydra
Marblehall, 6th June 216

Comes the dawn, and while the bulk of the party are sorting out the mess on the estate, Kowalski, Pascal and Soreth investigate the hill where the giant figure was standing last night, using its astrolabe and taking notes. Examining the footprints leads Kowalski and Pascal to the conclusions that the giant was 30 feet tall, and took a running jump into the air. Squinting along the path he would have taken by doing this, Pascal's detect arcana shows him a magical cloud some miles away. Pascal is keen to get up there and talk to the studious and erudite cloud giants, but in the absence of a way to do that, they decide to return to the dungeon, which has surfaced again and is now sunning itself in the sinkhole where Marblehall used to be, snoring.

It's the work of moments to retrace their steps, and with no monsters this time they have time for sightseeing. Translating runes from the dwarven forge chamber reveals it is part of the city of Shasto, devoured by a sentient dungeon called the Stone Thief some centuries ago. Kowalski explains:


There are living dungeons, chaotic spasms of hate-filled architecture that swim up from the depths and erupt onto the surface, their corridors and chambers spreading out like a cancer beneath the ground. Most living dungeons rise up and become permanent features of the world, or are killed by adventurers before they can establish themselves. Until the end of the 12th Age, the dwarves dealt with most of them before they could surface, but the days of dwarven glory are long since gone.

But there’s one living dungeon out there that’s different, one that’s unique. It doesn’t claw its way blindly to the surface, to survive or perish as fate dictates. This dungeon is awake, aware, and cunning like some wild beast made of stone and iron. The Empire calls it the Stone Thief.

Stone Thief? Feh! Call her by her true name, Makh Miz Adaor, She Who Undermines. Call her Makh Adaz Akor, The Howling Pit. Call her Khazar Vuk Varag, Oldest of Hatreds. Long, long before the Stone Thief broke through the underworld to the surface, she was a bane of the dwarves in the deep. (The dwarves always refer to the dungeon as ‘she’.)


Proceeding to the room of the Doorkeeper, the group renews its acquaintance and trades it tales of life on the surface for information about the itself and its brothers. They also learn that there are refuges in the dungeon where one can survive if it submerges; the largest of these is called Dungeon Town; the Doorkeeper doesn't know why people don't just walk out when the dungeon is on the surface. Pascal draws a picture of a wood and pins it on the wall opposite, to give the Doorkeeper something new to look at.


The Custodians are a gaggle of elemental earth-spirits from the underworld that the Stone Thief half-devoured some time ago. After the Prince of Shadows blinded the dungeon, they were promoted to ad hoc managers of the various sub-levels. The Custodians are all terrified of the Stone Thief, since it can finish its consumption of them and destroy them utterly whenever it wants. The longer the dungeon stays blind and broken, the longer they get to keep their temporary custody of the various levels. They are supposed to kill any adventurers they meet, but adventurers are resourceful and can be helpful in various ways.

The one thing all the Custodians agree on is that their survival depends on keeping the Stone Thief dependent on them. There are seven of them left – there used to be eight, but one died.

The Doorkeeper is the runt of the pack. It’s stuck guarding the Front Door in the Maw, and is mostly harmless. (The party has befriended the Doorkeeper by playing on its curiosity and boredom.)

The Mad Butcher runs the Gauntlet. It carefully cultivates a reputation as a giggling maniac, but it can connive with the best of them when it has to.

The Architect in the Gizzard considers itself the leader of the Custodians, and is the only one who’s really loyal to the Stone Thief.

The Gravekeeper and the Pearlkeeper both stay in their respective domains of the Ossuary and the Sunken Sea — one because it’s imprisoned, the other because it just doesn’t care. The Gravekeeper was once a close ally of the Vizier.

The Curator lives in the Pit of Undigested Ages. It’s the most erudite of the Custodians, and the most powerful.

The Vizier monitors Deep Keep, and is the most ambitious of the group. It quarrels with the Architect.

An eighth Custodian once ran the Grove, but was destroyed.


The Doorkeeper considers the party friends now, so the riddle to get past it and onto the stairway down becomes quite simple: "What is it that looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck?" After a couple of failed attempts, the party realises that the answer is "A duck", and gains access to the stairs down to the second level, which the Doorkeeper advises is called the Gauntlet.

Partway down the stairs is a landing, leading to a corridor. Pascal steps off to investigate, and X7-09 (tagging along as a porter and light source) naturally follows. At once, the stairs rotate, transforming the stairway into a slide, and Soreth and Kowalski hurtle downwards. Seconds later, the corridor collapses, and Pascal and X7-09 also fall, pursued by several dozen tons of rubble. Shortly, everyone slides into a cavern, where their fall is broken by a huge pool of sewage, water, gnawed body parts of several species, and so forth.

Pascal quickly walks up the wall and fades into the background, while X7-09 clambers around the cavern wall just below the surface and reaches a ledge on the side of the cavern. Meanwhile, a serpentine head emerges from the water as Kowalski and Soreth flounder, being dragged down by the weight of their armour. This proves to be attached to a regenerating, fire-breathing hydra, and a short duel of breath weapons ensues between Soreth and the hydra, while numerous hydra heads and melee weapons exchange futile blows underwater. At length a fear spell drives the hydra off, and assisted by X7-09, the party hauls itself onto the ledge.

Meanwhile, Pascal has found a shaft some 20 feet wide and over 100 feet tall, leading up from the ledge. At the top is a glowing crystal that sends pearly white light down to the party below. The walls are sheer in most places, but there are some sections of carved stonework (a winding and partially broken bas-relief depicting dwarven miners tunneling in the depths of the underworld) where the group can make out footholds and handholds. Long straight grooves or slots run along the inner walls of the well. These slots never cross each other, but seem to be arranged randomly. One cannot easily climb the well without crossing one or more of these slots.

Pascal discovers that the slots contain huge circular saw blades when one slides out to bisect him, but manages to dodge them and emerges at the top of the shaft, below the crystal. To his left a short, curving corridor stump leads towards the stair/chute, but that now has a large hole in it where the bulk of the corridor fell into the pool of sewage below. To his right, a short corridor leads into a chamber where seven big, faceless statues sit on thrones , each atop a large dais with a door in it. Each carries a tool of some sort. In the center of the room, equidistant from the statues, is an engraved plinth – too distant and too poorly lit to read.

An icon is invoked to jam the saw blades in their slots, and the others clamber carefully up to join Pascal.

It is at this point that they notice a swarm of undead spiders descending on them from around the crystal above… they are currently drawing breath, dripping with sewage, and awaiting the onslaught of the spider swarm.

Episode 22: The Chasm
Marblehall, 5th June 216

Kowalski comes trotting up behind the party as Silmaria and Boris make good their escape. This leaves The Fox, Ssh'ta and Caliban, X7-09 and Pascal, Kowalski, Valore and Dave inside the dungeon.

X7-09 moves to unlock and open the door, but pauses when he hears squeals of glee from the other side. He readies his axe and barges in, down a short flight of stairs to what Kowalski will later inform you is part of an old dwarven forge – it has a waterwheel and various pipes which once powered a forge and quenched the iron. Inside are four goblins, gleefully looting the bodies of as many party guests, whom they may or may not have killed. They try to flee, two leaving by another door, one diving into the waterwheel channel, and the fourth dying horribly as Valore wing-buffets him into a corner. In hot pursuit, the group follows the two leaving through a door, which leads them into a short, curving corridor and thence to a room in a completely different architectural style, with a bone-white flagstone floor rather than the rough cobblestones of the previous room, and four stone sarcophagi, one of which has a broken lid through which a rotted face and a single beady eye can be seen.

The goblins flee down a stairway at breakneck speed while Kowalski talks to the undead thing, which explains it is part of a group whose job it is to clear away any meat (such as dead adventurers) lying around when the dungeon submerges again. This they do by eating it. Kowalski and the thing are getting on famously until Valore stabs it with her flaming sword through the coffin lid screaming "Cleanse the undead!", killing it outright. This awakens the others, and a confused melee erupts, ending with all the undead properly dead, most of the party in the room, and Caliban trying to spit bits of undead out of his mouth, with little success.

X7-09 has meanwhile descended the stairway in search of the goblins, and invokes the Diabolist to obtain a light source, specifically a hat with a candle on it and the words "Wilt thou kiss me in the dark, baby?" around the rim in Draconic.

Dave is still fascinated by the swirly things in the glass column, and having been left alone with them, considers whether to smash the glass and let the swirls out, but decides against it.

Ahead in the darkness, X7-09 spies a side passage to the left, and further on, a bridge across the chasm he has come to think of as the dungeon's gullet. On the bridge are a number of goblins, orcs and whatnot with spears and assorted other implements (including a fishing pole), who are trying to fish out shiny things from the rubble flowing through beneath them. He is a little startled by the Fox leaping acrobatically over him and facing off against the orcs, as the goblins flee. Ssh'ta takes up a position halfway down the stairs where he can shoot over the heads of his comrades into the orcs, who form up quite professionally, all things considered, and lay into the Fox with spears. A lucky blow turns his helmet around, and he staggers around perilously near the chasm's lip while X7-09 shoves past him and starts shield-bashing the orcs off the bridge into the torrent of rubble below. Valore flies overhead and does a superhero landing behind the orcs, then starts buffeting them off the bridge with her wings. Caliban brings the Fox a second sword, and he uses it to lay into the orcs.

Kowalski, meanwhile, trusting his colleagues against a handful of orcs, has wandered off down the side passage and discovers the remnants of a villa, apparently from several Ages ago. There's not much left except the courtyard, within which is a statue of a dragon with completely dark eyes, which seem to drink in the light without any sign of a reflection. Around the base of the statue in archaic common are the words: "The Great Gold Wyrm faces the dawn of a new day."

By now all the orcs have been shot, stabbed, and buffeted off the bridge, and the others retrace their steps and follow Kowalski into the villa. From clues such as paintings they deduce which way east would have been when the villa was on the surface, and noting that the statue appears intended to rotate on its base, they turn it that way. A concealed trapdoor pops open, and below they find a chest containing a satisfactory number of gold coins and a shield wrapped in cloth. Unwrapping this reveals a knight's heater shield with Imperial heraldry; the Fox can't quite remember whose. Gathering this up, the party treks back to the bridge and crosses it, descending another short flight of stairs into a further chamber with a door-shaped area of blank stone flanked by two huge statues of armoured yet unarmed guardsmen.

The party start rummaging around, looking for secret doors and so forth, and shortly the blank wall contorts into a stone face and asks in a polite tone what they are looking for. It turns out to be quite friendly and curious about the world outside, and introduces itself as "the Doorkeeper". They in turn ask it about the about nearby dungeon areas, discovering that the orcs come from much deeper in the dungeon and the swirly things upstairs are lifeforce-sapping wraiths.

At length, the Doorkeeper explains that under the conditions of its employment it has to ask them a riddle before they can pass through it to the next level, and declaims:

I am a beast with many faces.
Often, you’ll meet me with my brother.
Though not a spell, I am cast;
Though not large, I am fate’s master.
And though not a friend, you’ll praise me until I bite you.

After some thought, Ssh'ta cries: "A die!" and the Doorkeeper opens for the group, revealing steep stairs heading down.

Alas, at this point a bellow of "AHOOOOGGGGAAAAH!" is heard. The Doorkeeper explains that this is the cry of a submerging dungeon, and the group should leave, as it will compress itself on the way down and unless they are in one of the Sanctuaries – unfortunately there are none close enough to reach before it goes under – they will surely be crushed to death. The dungeon will re-emerge eventually, days or weeks hence.

The party vows to return and continue their discussions with the Doorkeeper at a later time, and sprint out before the dungeon descends into the sinkhole it has made.

Outside, everyone gathers around to discuss events. They decide to split into two teams again, but with a slight rearrangement: Valore will join the former Team Robot, now to be known as Team Angel, while X7-09 will join Team Dragon. Membership is therefore:

Team Angel: Boris, Silmaria, Ssh'ta, the Fox, Valore.

Team Dragon: Hayes, Kowalski, Soreth and X7-09.

As you conclude this discussion, torches approach from the direction of the nearby town.

"Huzzah!" the cry goes up. "It is the Vengeful Company! We are saved! Three cheers for the Vengeful Company!"

You stand by in disbelief as the party guests you rescued cluster round the Vengeful Company, vowing undying gratitude to them.

Meanwhile, those of you with darkvision (Boris, Dave, Kowalski, Ssh'ta) can also see, on a nearby hill, what looks like a 30' tall giant with a wax tablet and an astrolabe, taking notes.

Episode 21: Going Underground
Marblehall, 5th June 216

The gang's all here and hoovering up free wine and nibbles at Casila's manor house, at a party in honour of Lord Sunhammer, the Dwarf King's emissary who has stopped over on his way to Glitterhaegen.

X7-09 stands immobile behind Casila's chair, getting a crash course in Empire politics as Casila (who has been a prisoner of the drow for some years and is a little out of touch) is brought up to speed by Sunhammer, who in exchange is trying to understand her current plans and ambitions – he hasn't seen her since she was five.

Ssh'ta and Ladra are purloining the silverware while everyone's eye is on Valore, because anything she picks up – say, bread or a soup spoon – appears to be on fire. Then there are the big metal wings, of course. Balthazar Rook does his best to put things back before they are missed, but even so some servants get into trouble.

Kowalski is nowhere to be seen – perhaps he is avoiding Lord Sunhammer for some reason. Maybe they are political rivals, who can say. Hayes and Soreth put in an appearance but disappear early on, citing fatigue.

Halfway through the fish course, the tremors begin. Soon there is a definite lurching and dropping sensation. While Casila asks everyone to remain calm and seated, explaining that the house is magically protected, Valore goes to investigate, and reports that the manor house is dropping into a large sinkhole; several others have consumed nearby buildings, and ground level is now approaching the first floor windows. After a quick discussion, bearing in mind their earlier adventures and X7-09's recent vision, the group decide they are in the process of being consumed by a giant living dungeon.

Silmaria grabs a drinking horn and places its large end on a wall, singing rock ballads into it to soothe the savage dungeon. It is truculent and refuses to be soothed. X7-09 descends into the wine cellar and tries punching through the flagstones to see what's underneath, but this looks like it will take a long time.

After several minutes' debate, the group decides to evacuate the guests through the first floor windows. General panic ensues, and things become confused, with some of the party leaping out to guide the guests to safety, and others following X7-09 into the maw of the dungeon (for such it is) in search of whatever loot is to be found. Valore and Boris (in the form of a house martin) fly down the avalanche of partly-digested buildings; Valore is carrying Caliban, who therefore appears to be on fire, and Silmaria follows to avoid being left alone in the darkness. The ever-cheerful Dave skips lightly over the rockslide, with the Fox and Ssh'ta following.

They survive the churning and chomping inside the maw, and spy what looks like a safe corridor, at least by comparison. While they clamber into it, the manor house, magically shrunken to a size which will fit through the jaws without too much damage, slides past and is gone, who knows where. Boris shifts back into human form, completely naked, but Silmaria was expecting that and produces some clothes from her pack.

Beyond the corridor is a room containing four glass pillars full of swirling, dark grey smoke which snubs Dave's friendly overtures, and a winged statue holding a silver key in one hand. The key is grabbed, and predictably the statue comes to life, attacking X7-09 since he has the key. A brief scuffle ensues, ending when Valore chops the statue in half with a longsword – no mean feat, that. Key in hand, X7-09 advances on the room's other exit, which is blocked by a locked door…

Meanwhile, outside, Kowalski, Hayes, Soreth, and Ladra observe the head and forebody of the giant living dungeon settle down comfortably in the sinkhole, perhaps digesting its recent dinner.

Casila and Lord Sunhammer are nowhere to be found.


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